cholita623's diary

cholita623's Diaryland Diary

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... Angel ...

mood: emotional

listening to: "Halo" - Beyonce

I can't describe how in love with my boyfriend I am. I'm so scared that this is all a dream, but at the same time, i know he's it for me. He's the person I've been waiting for. He's the most amazing guy I've ever met. My daughter loves him to pieces and they're always so excited to see each other. All I know is that I need him. It's been so hard for me, but he just... he fits. I hate having these feelings, I do. It's only been 5 months that we've dated, but I can't help it. I'm in love with him. I really hope and pray that I never lose him. omg... I'm so scared that he'll leave it isn't funny. ..

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they are tumbling down
And they didn´t even put up a fight
They didn´t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It´s like I´ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
it´s the risk that I´m taking
I ain´t never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I´m looking now
I´m surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you´re my saving grace
you´re everything I need and more
it´s written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
you´re the only one that I want
Think I´m addicted to your light
I swore I´d never fall again
But this don´t even feel like falling
Gravity can´t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

It´s like I´ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
it´s the risk that I´m taking
I´m never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I´m looking now
I´m surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

10:23 p.m. - 2009-02-10

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... Angel ...

mood: emotional

listening to: "Halo" - Beyonce

It´s like I´ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
it´s the risk that I´m taking
I ain´t never gonna shut you out!

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

It´s like I´ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
it´s the risk that I´m taking
I´m never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I´m looking now
I´m surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

10:23 p.m. - 2009-02-10

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Oh Boy.

mood: down

listening to:

Gerardo called me last night. I was telling him about how people sometimes ask why I'm a white girl working in a Mexican restaurant or how I know Spanish. He was like "Just tell them that your husband is Mexican..."

And then he pressed the issue of going to Mexico for vacation sometime.

I just don't understand how he can ask from me still. After everything he put me through.

He asked me why I deleted this program he had sent - it turned out to be spyware for him. Meaning he could look at everything I was doing. I told him because he's nosy and doesn't need to see what I'm doing. I reminded him about how he always went through my cell phone and my stuff, but I never did that to him. I told him that he doesn't pay my bills so he has -no- right to go through my shit.

To which he replied "I was -going- to pay your phone bill..."

Right. He was going to pay my phone bill. That makes all the effing difference. Gee golly, why didn't he say that in the first place? Silly me!

Then his other excuse was "I did it so I could take care of you."

uh. huh. More like he was just being a jack ass.

He's supposed to call today at some point. I don't know though. I'm hoping Edgar will come over tonight. He called me at like 3 a.m.. I haven't seen him in forever it feels like! I think maybe after I get off of work, I'll take Parker to wal-mart or something and get stuff to cook my salmon fillets with. Like fresh asparagus and whatnot, if he comes over that is.

I miss cooking for someone.

Gerardo said he missed my cooking. I'm like "Nigga, you showed up for dinner like 2 times..."

I really don't understand what fantasy world he's living in, but I sure wish I were there.

I just realized that Heartsdales sampled a lot of lyrics from Biggie, Ma$e, even Limp Bizkit & OPP. It's pretty interesting. I know that they grew up in NYC, but it's still neat to hear the references.

anywho. I need me some Edgar. hehe. ^_^;

11:12 a.m. - 8-2-2008

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... You suck, math ...

mood: anxious.
listening to: "addicted to you" - utada hikaru

after ignoring me (Again), i told ben that i wouldn't bother him anymore, but that i missed him.

i guess i get it now that he really doesn't want me, and never will again. it still hurts to think about though.

Edgar is fun to talk to. we talk about everything under the sun for hours. relationships came up again. he said sometimes he wants to be in one again, and sometimes he doesn't, but that he wants to get school going.

i told him i don't really hope to get married 'cuz i don't want the risk of divorice. and i told him that i while i -do- want someone, it's just too hard to get to point a with anyone anymore. and i'm tired of having to go through telling everything just to have it not work out.

i don't know.

i think i'm going to get yet another new diary and transfer all of my entries from here to there 'cuz this layout bs is bugging me.

by the way, i hate math.

10:28 p.m. - 6-25-2008

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... i miss you ...

mood: don't know, but it isnt a good one
listening to: "can u get away?" - 2pac

watch me explode into a great mess of tears, anger, disappointment, loneliness, self-hatred, and sleepless nights.

ben simply wont speak to me anymore and it's driving me crazy. i can't handle being rejected like this. when i was in the hospital, he was pretty much the only person i communicated with. we used to stay up all night texting each other and then wake each other up the next morning.

he used to apologize for being busy. and wanted to make it up to me. he acted like he cared.

i've been crying for a week already.

i mean, sure, i did meet edgar, and he's really great so far, but i'm tired of having to re-tell everything over and over again. i'm tired of hoping i won't scare the next person off. i thought ben and i would happen. if ican't make -ben- stay... who's to say edgar will? edgar's more than ben. he has goals and plans that aren't based out of mom's basement. he's pretty well established, much cuter, older, and has a beautiful little girl.

but... he isn't ben.

and that's what matters.

3:14 p.m. - 6-24-2008

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... alone ...

mood: defeated
listening to: "when we get married" - crambo

with the internet as popular as it is, and continuing to grow in popularity, where is the room for trust?

scratch that. i think i talked about this yesterday.
anywho, just out of curiosity, i checked out ben's graphic design myspace page. it looks really good. he's awesome at his job. but, when i saw the link for his own personal myspace, the icon has some girl's ass with "ms. grean" graffitied on it in his handwriting.

should i be jealous? fuck no. he's not my boyfriend, probably never will be, and i'm in the process of pretending not to care either way. but -am- i jealous? of course.

'cuz i can't help it. i don't think i'll ever be able to. all i can do is sit and feel like this and keep my mouth shut 'cuz i know that it's just me being stupid and drive myself completely crazy .

i know that i should just move on and forget it, like i've done so many other times before. ben's not even ~~that cute~~. ben's -not- cute. at all.

maybe it's the fact that he isn't and i am and he doesn't wanna be with me that makes him different.

or maybe i really do have feelings for him.

i told him that we could be friends, but i'm not fooling around with that in-between or back & forth bullshit.

apparently he's signing a contract with youngbuck's label to do their shit or something. i have no idea. but he said he'd be even more busy.

i explained to him that i could be patient with him and that i was fine with him being busy, but that he could take 5 seconds to send me a txt to say hi every now and then, too.

i don't know. i haven't been this honestly disappointed in a long time.

it was alittle different with aries.. he was 3 hours away and always talking about other girls. with him, i knew what he was about.

and i've known in the back of my head all along that this would happen with ben, but for some reason i just kept on and kept on with it.

i just don't understand why i'm not worth trying for.

absolutely everyone that i've ever been with has left me for one reason or another.

i don't get it. what's so wrong with me that i can't get someone to stay?

6:59 p.m. - 6-18-2008

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... you suck ...

mood: mixed up
listening to: "sideshow 2006" - short dog

so i switched back to weblog style. i'm so fed up with trying to do my own layouts for right now.

so anywho.. what is trust worth nowadays (i think that's the question i wanna ask)? i mean with the internet being as popular as it is with myspace and other social networking/dating sites, it's hard.

especially when it comes to someone who's -job- is somewhat based on these sites.

ben and i are talking again, 'cuz i decided to text him the other day (i know, bad idea probably).

the next day, i had just opened a myyearbook account, and lo and behold - who do i find?

i wouldn't care normally, but then again it bothered me.

anywho, the other night, ben was all "so what's this miracle that you're texting me?" and i'm like "eh. i'm over the whole deal already." and he's all "that's good. i guess." and then i was like "what? i made a mistake, and yeah, i was mad and upset, but it was my fault and i dealt with it and i'm not worried about it anymore."

last night he asked me if i wanted to come and see him. i told him i didn't know. then he asked if i -would-. i told him i didn't know again. he asked me why not and i said that i wasn't ready for all that just yet.

so to come to the conclusion of this whole mess that i've made - he basically expects me to wait for him to decide that he has time to have a relationship while still being able to sleep with me.

yeah. no.

i told him we could be friends, but that's it. i'm not that kind of girl. i told him if that's what he's really worried about, then there are plenty of stupid bitches running around for him.

i'm tired now.

but, parker and i got an apartment - it's pretty sick. 1 bedroom with an office. 850 sq. ft. for $635/mmth - trash, gas, & water paid.

sweet.

9:12 p.m. - 6-16-2008

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... be my last ...

mood: let down
listening to: "eternally" - utada hikaru, "never let you down" - frankie j f/bone-thugs
i'm so frustrated with this stupid layout right now.
the damn scrollbar is getting on my nerves. the code isn't showing up.
on top of that, my 070916_82.html & 080211_87.html links aren't working properly and i don't understand why.

so, on top of those things, i'm officially kicked out of the house.
actually, i was gonna be paid to move out, but then things changed a couple of more times and i decided it'd be better for (mostly parker & me) everyone for me to be by myself.
so, i'm hoping that i'll be approved for all $7,500 of the unsubsidized loan and that the $1,750 will go through in the subsidized. that way i can get our place, get me a laptop, and get the fuck out of this nuthouse.
see what happened was, brandi & jennifer got drunk and decided to break up. brandi told me that she & i were gonna move out. jennifer also told me that she didn't love my sister anymore (i could tell my sister that, but i'm not -that- fucked up in the head).
then on tuesday, brandi tells me that they don't want to break up, that she doesn't want to lose everything she has and that it'd be best for just me to go.

5 hours later, she tells me we're back to the original plan.
to which i said "fuck that, i'm out." and jennifer got pissed off about my reasoning behind it. i told her & brandi that i didn't want parker & i to be in the middle of their bullshit deciding one thing then changing their minds.

i almost told brandi that this was like when gerardo and i broke up & got back together a few times. except i -never- once told her that i was going back to him, staying with him, and that i decided not to come back into the house.

anywho, jennifer was all upset and at 3 a.m., told me i just needed to go my own way (like i hadn't decided that already) and do whatever i need to do 'cuz she couldn't deal with me anymore.
an hour and a half later ben finally admitted that he didn't really want me.
so for all day i've felt extremely horrible.

actually ben's statement was "blah blah blah... not ready to stop working so much... blah blah blah... you get upset already when i'm busy...blah blah blah... we should just continue what we're doing - however you wanna call that - and see what happens."

if we were to continue what we was doing, we'd be friends with benefits. and Jamie does -not- play that game.

i told him it wasn't fair that he wasted my time and that i -knew- -knew- that i was making a gianormous mistake, but since i went ahead anyway, it was my fault.
i also told him it was funny how he had time for a fuck buddy, since he's always busy, and that it would be best if he just forgot about me and erased my number & pictures and stuff.

i don't think i've honestly felt this bad since phoenix. seems like nobody wants me anymore. i felt like dying this morning. i certainly haven't felt like eating really. i managed dinner somewhat, though. seriously.. why doesn't anyone want to stay with me?

10:39 p.m. - 6-11-2008

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... dime como olvidarte ...

mood: stupid, disappointed
listening to: "dime" - rakim y ken-y

so, it happened. i slept with ben, and i guess now it's over.

he knows about everything already. and still he said he wanted to keep talking to me.

last night he was begging me to stay at his homie's kickback, but i couldn't stay long 'cuz it was already late. so i texted him when i got home like he asked me to and i told him i missed him. all he said was "yeah."

then today, he didn't text me until almost 3 p.m. and he didn't really say much. so i finally asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone 'cuz i kept getting the feeling he did.

he just said "o.k. i just have a lot to do and people keep calling me"

funny how the first time i texted him he said he wasn't doing anything.

i guess i'm better off without. out of 3 dates we went on, he only paid for 1 (to which i only got like an $8 appetizer for lunch 'cuz i didn't want to seem like a high-maintenance person or whatever).

the 1st one - we ate mexican, and he tells me after we get there that he doesn't have much money.

he did the same thing when we went to the zoo - which he suggested we do. i told him i didn't have a lot of money, and he said don't worry about it. then when we got to the ticket booth, he was like "oh i only have $20". so i wound up spending almost $30 that day to pay for myself to get into the zoo and to go eat lunch.

then while we were at the kickback he asked me to take him to the liquor store to buy him some vodka. i suggested going to the liquor store a long time ago and he wanted to do other things. he was all "i'll pay you back! i'll take you out next week!" and i'm like "you should wanna do that anyway.."

i don't even know how i'm supposed to feel right now.

that's how awful i feel.

7:14 p.m. - 6-8-2008

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... stuck like chuck ...

mood: done

listening to: "death around the corner" - 2pac

so, i'm more than hella broke. i put gas in my car yesterday, and it went up to a half a tank, but amazingly, it's already back down to 1/4.

i had about $8 altogether, but now i'm down to $4 in cash and my bank account is -60. 'cuz i had to buy a can of formula and my target credit card is maxed out. the formula was $25, but then there's an overdraft fee of $35. yupyup.

i tried talking to aries. but he's not having it. oh well. i still miss him for some reason. i think it's because he's the only guy in the last year that hasn't been all "omg i'm in love with you". we "broke up" and that's it. no more.

now i'm alittle sad.

anywho, so i got school paid for via pell grant ($1,100), now i just need books. the main book i need is my communications book. it's like $73. my mom's being a bitch and won't loan me the money. i swear i don't understand them sometimes.

7:04 p.m. - 5-24-2008

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... muñeca de porcelana ...

mood: fat, stressed out
listening to: "jose" - aventura, "miss perfect" - south park mexican

over the weekend, a little girl in kindergarden - one of the Karen refugees - was in a car accident with her 3 brothers. The man driving lost an arm. Her oldest brother (15) hurt his head (from what i gather, he split it open), the 13 year old hurt his neck (SuPaw says he broke it, but Baso said it was just hurt), and the other brother broke an arm or a leg. Don't know which.

Shee Ku broke both arms and her shoulder.

i feel so bad for her. like.. i seriously almost cried on the way home. she's so tiny and sweet.

my guess is.. no one was wearing a seat-belt, and Shee Ku could have possibly been sitting in someone's lap.

Laura made me feel better though.. she said today "i didn't know what shoes to wear to walk in! so i thought i should just wear my sneakers instead of my sandals>" i'm like "wtf?" and just laughed. she then asked me if she should wear sneakers again or could she wear her chanklas. i told her chanklas were fine. lol

then later she said "i don't know this little girl, but i feel so so sorry for her! i want to make her a card, and you help me write it ok!? pero, i don't know how to spell her name..."

Laura, SuPaw, & Blut Do Hae always brighten my day no matter what mood i'm in.

but, my phone bill is way past due. and i owe t-mo $136. i filed an extension already, and my stimulus check hasn't come in yet.. the money is due tomorrow, but they can't extend my time again since i already did it once. the guy told me that he would put a note on my file saying i would pay by friday, but that he couldn't guarantee my service would continue.

i'm praying my stimulus check comes in on time.

on top of that... this crazy person i kind of talk to every once in awhile swears he's in love with me.

i don't buy that bullshit for one second, but i'm too nice to say that. i'm actually slightly weirded out that he keeps talking about it.

i'm like "what're you doing?" and he's all "thinking about you.." and i'm like "besides that fool" and he's all "that's it." and i'm like "say no to crack dude".

i mean for realz. i ain't got time for nobody hardly.

i really want to move away from here.

i can't wait until i graduate college, get a place of my own for Parker & I, and we can just chill out and do whatever we want. i want it to be just her & me so bad, i even have dreams about it. a nice big apartment up on a top floor with a balcony (and a good view of something), cooking dinner together or going out to eat, staying up to watch movies on the weekends, etc.

if only i could be bothered to learn the streets of downtown nashville, i would maybe consider an apartment there.

nah, too expensive.

8:58 p.m. - 5-19-2008

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... ??? ....

mood: !!!
listening to: "low low" - mr. sancho

i've lost 8 pounds so far!
i'm really excited... like, i'm in the process of a total body makeover... i've been using gradual sunless tanning lotion (looks good so far!), doing an average of 200 crunches a day (not all at once), and more or less not eating. just kidding.

i eat.. i'm just extremely careful about -what- i eat. i cut out snacking between meals (even though i know you're actually supposed to - to avoid eating large meals), and i'm trying to cut off any food consumption at around 7 p.m. - that part's hard though 'cuz Jennifer doesn't get home 'till 7 or 8 and sometimes we don't eat dinner until 9 p.m. - that's crazy.

but i gain weight so quickly. it's kind of hard. actually. not really. it's not hard now that i've gotten into my groove . my main fear is to be around other people at a lunch, or dinner and not want to eat so much and have them think i'm anorexic.

like Ben.. (which brings me onto a whole new subject). i actually almost wish that Ben were alittle picky about the way i look. he's always said that he likes me the way i am, but i kind of wish he would at the very least say "wow, you look so much better", instead of "I like you no matter what". ben also thinks ghostly-white girls like me are sexy. wtf?

anywho, i'm down to 127 pounds. that's the smallest i've ever -naturally- been. without drugs, or excessive workloads. i'm proud of myself - and everyone at work has really noticed my weight loss. and i know it isn't just the "wow you look so good for just having a baby".. they're like "you have shrunk!" and "you look amazing!"
i think having a fake tan helps with the slimming process a lot.

my next investment will be some white strips. and this time, i'll finish the kit. and do it properly instead of rushing through and hurting my teeth.

i just absolutely refuse to look like the moms i see around here. they all dress so matronly or don't really care about their weight.

and when they see me and comment on how great i look, they also say "oh i don't have time for all of that".

but to me, it's a huge deal. i want to show Parker that it's important to stay active and care about your body, no matter the reason.

for me, it's about looks first, and health second. i hate that i feel that way, but i do.

i wish i didn't have to deal with the things that i do. i know everything is my fault... i just wish i didn't have to go through telling people about my problems. i wish that i didn't have to deal with this.

truth be told.. i still feel hella weird when someone touches me. i've gotten to where i won't say anything now and i'll go along with it. but i seriously can't stand to be touched. by anyone...

9-:29 p.m. - 5-16-2006

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... refugee ...

mood: ....
listening to: the baby's swing music

so, the whole cyclone in Burma (yes, I call it Burma, that's the preferred name amongst my Karen children) kind of hit home for me - for obvious reasons.

i looked up the Karen news website so that Baso, RoMay, SuPaw, Emillion, and the rest could read about it. i'm sure they'd already known, but they really liked the fact that i found that website for them to read.

also, the leader of the KNU was killed last thursday.

i swear, i wanna bring SuPaw, Baso, & Blut Do Hae home with me.

these are the most amazing children i've ever met.

they're so bright and pick english up quick as hell. the weird thing is.. they can talk about the guns in burma. and they told me with no problems about how people were shot in thailand. SuPaw and Emillion actually kind of joked about it and were laughing.

it's so strange how seemingly unknown their situation is and how things are over in Burma & the refugee camps.

well, they were until the cyclone hit.

oy.

5:45 p.m. - 5-9-2008

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... 4 months! ...

mood: refreshed-ish...?
listening to: "tootsie roll" - 69 boyz

so there's been hella drama over the weekend.

jennifer went to florida with some friends on wednesday (-Major- drunk fest for all).

brandi and i switched out my bedroom and i moved into the bigger room (which used to be the guest bedroom). pretty exciting 'cuz i have the pc set up between my bed and Parker's crib. plus the window actually has a view (as opposed to the one in my old bedroom which only had a view of the side of the house next door. haha). i got alittle drunk while moving my furniture. i had to take the crib apart 'cuz it wouldn't fit through the door.

i also met Ben, finally. it's so weird how you have all these expectations when meeting someone for the first time. he's much bigger than i thought he would be, much lighter skinned and his teeth are different than what i thought.

the sucky thing is, he lives way out in flipping rivergate which is a 30 minute drive. not conducive to my baby's schedule and habits. it took all week to figure out what to do, and finally we decided to go to the park, but it wound up being very ugly outside all day. SO we wound up eating mexican (yummy).

i managed to hide my slight disappointment and the whole thing went fairly well. i just hope that i can get over his lack of looks. 'cuz he is a nice guy and i think that i really should stop being so picky about how a guy looks. i can't help being alittle shallow though. i mean, honestly, who doesn't want someone who's handsome?

anywho! so caroline (a close friend of jennifer's) started dating Julie's ex-girlfriend and it's just been drama and arguing non-stop. we all got pretty shitty (except julie) and brandi was on the phone having a shouting match with Jennifer (who was taking up for caroline). finally i grabbed the phone and was like "quit fucking talking to my sister like that already. i'm over this bullshit of everyone ganging up on julie and talking shit to her and you acting like that towards my sister"

then she was all "honey it's ok, it's done. you're an amazing mom, parker's beautiful. don't worry about us...." and i'm like "dude i'm not 6! we're not discussing me right now!"

then she kept me on the phone for 20 minutes while julie was trying to wave me off of it. lol

i guess everything's fine now. brandi & julie went to church then julie and i went to target to shop for Parker's 4 month birthday.

i'm so glad julie's back in nashville. she's so good with parker and parker just loves her. Julie bought her the seahorse Parker was wanting, and a little bikini for this summer, diapers, teething rings, wrist rattles, and a couple of onesies that were on sale.

and gave me like $20 last night. i was like "there's no need for all that", but she insisted. then said she was gonna go buy her a bunch of stuff at baby gap (they have the -cutest- clothes).

she's so sweet. in the middle of the argument she was like "and jennifer's tripping if she thinks she can keep me away from here. she ain't taking my niece away" lol

but, Parker is in love with the sea horse. as soon as we got it out of the packaging, she was smiling and laughing and staring at it. i laid her in her crib for her nap and she got mad at me, but as soon as i turned it on, she got cheered up and got happy again.

it was the sweetest thing ever.

i have the best baby on the planet.

and yes, she's still the most beautiful.

i just wish her daddy hadn't left us. i know if he would've stayed around long enough to see her, he wouldn't have disappeared. she's much prettier than his other baby. yup.

10:35 p.m. - 5-4-2008

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.....

mood: let down
listening to: "si una vez" - selena

so i have the day off 'cuz it's teacher in-service day and the teachers have to go to a meeting at central office.

i mentioned above mentioned day to Ben, who had begged me numerous times to go kick it with him. he's all "oh yeah? what you got planned?" i'm like "omg captain obvious" but i just kept trying to hint that we should go out to eat or something instead of coming out and saying it (i'm really shy like that). finally, i got it through to him, and he tells me he's busy so he wouldn't be able to kick it for long. wtf?

then he was busy or something all day yesterday and barely talked to me. finally later around like 9 he texted me and asked if i wanted to hang out, but that he was kinda broke and wouldn't have much time, so i just told him forget it. he's too busy. he asked if i was mad, but i told him no, and was going to bed.

so i don't know. i know i shouldn't let it bother me really, but i'm sick of other things coming before me. Parker is one thing. I know she'll always come first now, but i mean like. if i really needed my parents to take time off for me, they wouldn't do it. they've always put their work first.

11:28 a.m. - 4-25-2008

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.. oh boy ...

mood: BLEH!
listening to: "knock out yo spine" - pitbull f/too short, "oh boy" - heartsdales

apparently i'm completely psycho.

my sister talks to me like i'm retarded constantly, but when i get mad and point it out, she gets all defensive and calls me the crazy one.

today she was all "your hormones are so completely out of whack still and you just don't even know!" but i mean like, i'm stuck at the house all day everyday. i don't have friends to go kick back with and i barely ever ask to go anywhere unless it's something that i -need- to get done.

it's really stressful. i mean. i don't really ask for much, but i still get bitched at. she just doesn't realize that it's still hard for me even though i have their help (somewhat). i still feel like ripping my hair out a lot of times just wondering where the fuck her dad is and wondering why he hasn't bothered to even call and ask about her.

and then i'm still not completely over meño. i mean, i know i should be, and i can act ok for the most part, but yeah. it's weird. things that i remember with him just come and go. like, there are a few specific things i always remember, but then there are other things that were just as bad that i've pushed out of my mind that i'll remember out of nowhere. like the time he spit on my face, slapped me, and said i was pregnant with someone else's kid (which was absolutely rediculous).

yeah anywho.

aries is on... i kind of want to talk to him. but nah. he drives me up the wall.

lolz

i love ben. i bought a bra that's too small for me right now (i hate to admit that i'm currently a 36D and i had bought a 36C, hoping...). ben convinced me to send him a pic, so i did and he's like "yep. def. too small. but i think it should be smaller." and i'm like "fuck you". so i went a bought -another- bra today (in a size 34D), and it's just slightly too little, but i sent him a pic of -that- one and he was like "yeah that looks much better".

and he wasn't being all perverted like other guys would be. i heart ben. a lot.

7:23 p.m. - 4-17-2008

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... oh boy ...

mood: affectionately irritated.
listening to: "cherry girl", "but" - koda kumi

the more i talk to him, the more i like Ben. it's nuts. i haven't had someone that i can talk to about just about everything like this in an extremely long time. not meño, not gerardo, or anthony or will. Jason was the last guy, but we were best friends. I still miss that boy to death. I'd give anything to run into that fool again.

anywho, back to ben. i mean. i don't, but i know i can tell him anything. and we haven't even actually met in person yet.

and Heartsdales is -really- rocking my socks right now.

but yeah. i love ben.

i've been thinking alot about my "style" lately. i'm still working on it. and i can dress myself pretty well, but i'm still such a -basic- type person. i really like kimora lee and kim kardashian and heartsdales and amuro namie's senses of style. that's more how i would like to dress. i'm all too aware of how white girls can look totally horrible dressing like that.. they look all white trash, & trailer park-ish...

10:01 p.m. - 2008-04-13

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... Shake It! ...

mood: big mix
listening to: "shake it" - koda kumi, "love holic" - koda kumi

so, in the past... month or so, i've gotten a lot closer to Ben. the problem is... we haven't actually met face-to-face . yet. i'm alittle afraid to. i've had a couple of relationships via pc/phone that went really well until i actually met the person. then it got weird. except Raj. that was fun.

but anywho. yeah, like Ben & I are really close. and he's always on about how i need to come through. he begged me to go to his cousin's "Coming Out" party (he'd just gotten out of jail. haha) 'cuz his cousin lives kind of close to me, but i couldn't. besides that, from what he said there were guns and thugs or whatever there. actually. he said it in a way that sounded like.. i don't know about that stuff? i guess. i was like "woah woah woah. not that i -wanna- be around it, but i know how to handle myself around those types of people"

anywho. so then my other friend (insert name here, 'cuz i really don't know what it is right now) mixes up beats and crap. i shot him a couple of my mp3s. i just fool around with singing. i don't think i'm all that great and i -definately- would never hope (or want?) to turn it into a career ('cuz i'm a realist like that). it's just something i do in my spare time as an experiment. i don't write my own lyrics or anything.

but yeah, so he's all "i've been looking for a girl to lay down some tracks for me" and i'm like "O.O;; me?"

so today, he asked me if i would be willing to sing on a few tracks for him for his friend who's trying to be a DJ in some clubs or something. at first i was all "i don't have a mic.." but then i stopped myself and realized he meant -meet up- and do something. my nerves would be too shot for all of that first of all. i get really nervous when people ask me to sing (the few times they do), plus it's hard for me to get out of the house for obvious reasons. i would like to try it though. so i think we worked out something to where he'll mix up some shit that's under 3 minutes and i'll just do it on my cell phone. haha. fun fun.

10:31 p.m. - 4-7-2008

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... birthday! ...

mood: cranky
listening to:
- "in this club" - usher
- "baby it's you" - jojo f/bow wow
- "let me hold you" - bow wow f/omarion

aries has been on several times this week and hasn't spoken to me. i wonder if he took me off his list?

really, it's better this way. but i still wonder if he thinks about me.

actually. the more important event of the day is.... Parker's 3 month birthday! the last 3 months has absolutely -flown- by. i feel like tomorrow she'll be 6 and ready for kindergarden. then middle school, high school, college.... gosh. i can't even imagine life that far ahead, but i know it'll come all too fast.

i can't believe she's already 3 months old though. i went through our closet and pulled her newborn-sized sleepers & long sleeved onesies off the hangers to put in a bag for mrs. podesta's baby. i wish now that i'd kept one of her preemie sized night gowns. i'm definately keeping the night gown she wore home from the hospital. it's just too cute.

but i remember how little she was then. she didn't fit any of the clothes that we had been given or bought for her and brandi had to go and buy preemie diapers and nightgowns. and that's all she wore for at least 2 weeks. she wiggled out of every diaper somehow.

and i hate to try and turn this all away from her and onto me.. but i also remember how lonely i felt in the hospital before she was born. i remember all i wanted to do was cry 'cuz Gerardo wasn't there to see it happen or hold my hand. i'm thankful that i had my sister there with me, but it isn't the same. i don't think i'll ever get over that feeling, really. and i think that even if i do get married and i have another baby and that guy is there, i'll still have that feeling somewhat.

i've never felt more alone in my life than i did then.

but anywho. i also had another nervous breakdown today.

my check was hella small. i have to pay jennifer, my phone, gas, diapers, um. my storage comes out on the 11th. and i still have to file my taxes and pay that.

thankfully my mom loaned me $200. i'm supposed to pay her back when i get the tax relief thingymajig.

i -really- want to get the portable swing for my baby as a 3-month birthday gift. she's in love with the one her babysitter has.

7:42 p.m. - 4-4-2008

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... just ballin' ...

mood: amused
listening to: "I.V." - X Japan

so. the topic of conversation today has been "gaming". not video games. runnin' game. y'know - the street slang.

ben said i'm a tease and i'm like "so if you're running game, then you shouldn't get mad at me for being a 'tease' since i'm just playing along with your game" get it?

it makes sense in my head, but i can't explain properly. oh yeah, 'cuz i told him i don't fall for people too easily and i don't buy into the bullshit that tends to come out of a guy's mouth anymore. he said i did and i told him that i'm good at making guys think that i'm picking up what they're putting down, but i'm really not.

then just a few minutes ago, this other dude asked me if i talked to any other guys. and smooth operator that i am, i said "no". to which he replied that he doesn't speak to any other girls either. i'm like "uh-huh. and i'm black."

you think i don't know, but really i do. i'm not as dumb as guys may think i am. and i mean, i really could care less if these dudes are involved with other girls 'cuz yeah. i mean, it's not like we're married or anything, so whatev. they got it twisted up though if they think they got -me- like that.

you can't bullshit a bullshitter. on the real.

8:30 p.m. - 3-31-2008

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... feed the baby! ...

mood: dreary & cold
listening to:
- "Potential Break-Up Song" - Suzuki Ami
- "Real Me" - Hamasaki Ayumi
- "Player Hater" - Biggie

I really love being a mom. I like doing all the mommy things. Like laundry. I've never really hated doing laundry per-say.. I guess I've just never paid much attention to it. Either that or the idea of having clean clothes excites me (shut up). Anywho, I really like washing Parker's clothes and hanging them up. I think I won't mind cleaning once we get our own place either. Not that I ever minded it too terribly much to begin with, but yeah.

I just wish she could stay this little forever. Then again, I can't wait until she can talk and I can take her to the park and we can play and talk together, either. My sister bought a box of rice cereal today so that we can work on incorporating that into her diet at night or something.

I don't know. Breastfeeding is going way downhill day by day. I'm making less and less it seems like, everytime she eats. I told Brandi I wanted to go back to a 2 hour feeding schedule to get my supply back up, but she's just like "no, we can't do that. she's doing so well now" and i'm like "but i'm her mother" - of course my sister is such a self-admitted control freak, though. she doesn't listen. It's all Babywise's fault. I really regret following that book now. I am glad that she's on a predictable schedule, but my plans for extended breastfeeding beyond 6 months are almost completely out the window because of it. Actually, my plans to continue breastfeeding are almost gone period because of that book.

I don't think that I will be following that theory with any future children I may have. I did research on it and as it turns out, the author (Gary Ezzo) has no ties to pediatrics or child development, and even the AAP advises against following the recommendations in the book.

I feel really let down that my sister and her friends were so gung-ho about it to persuade me into going along just for it to turn out that it isn't really worth it (to me anyway). I'd rather spend more time being awake at night if it means keeping my milk supply up.

gosh. I never thought that I'd feel so strongly about these things - breastfeeding and such. I know that doctors and other people say it's perfectly fine to use formula, but in my head, it isn't. And I can't help but look down alittle on those who choose to formula-feed their babies. If there's a medical problem, that's one thing. But otherwise.. I mean, why would you want to spend upwards of $200 a month on feeding your baby when you could do it just as easily for free by breastfeeding?

Here I go on one of my random obsessions. Ok, so it's not really random, but yeah.

It was kind of funny... Last year at school, I was so stuck on this kindergarden teacher, Mrs. Benson. She taught one of my favorite little girls Lizbeth. But long after nap time had been ended among the kindergardeners, Mrs. Benson continued to have nap time every once in awhile. I found out later on that it was so that she could go outside and smoke cigarettes. Almost everyday that I went to pick up her ESL kids (Lizbeth, Angy, & Fernando), they would be asleep. And Mrs. Benson would be like "They're sleeping" - she would say it in a tone that meant "leave us alone" or whatever. They didn't come to ESL for like 2 weeks and finally I was like "Can you get them up? They need to come to ESL..." She got hella irritated with me.

I also told another kindergarden teacher (conversationally, not intending to cause trouble) that Mrs. Benson was still having nap time. Like, 3 days later Mrs. Powell and Mrs. Cone - 2 of the other kindergarden teachers were like "You did the right thing by saying something. We're glad you did." Apparently she got in trouble. She didn't come back this year, either way. And she was tenured, too.

Anywho... lolz

7:13 p.m. - 3-28-2008

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... adios ...

mood: groggy, weirded out-ish
listening to:
- "la vie en rose" - edith piaf
- "11 things girls want from guys" - park ji yoon
- "adios" - don omar

if re-incarnation is real, i hope to come back as something other than white. don't ask me why

so, aries started up with his shit again. and again, i told him i didn't think it would be good for us to be friends.

i'm really for real this time.

'cuz he's all "i just wanna fool around" and i'm like "homie don't play that game. that's not how i roll, foolio."... to which he replied "i never thought i'd say this, but you're such a paisa" he went on to say i'll find somebody blah blah blah. i was like "nope. i don't need nobody. i got too much shit to take care of." he's all "me too. i got bills to pay." i was like "fuck your little bullshit bills. i have a kid to raise." (of course i didn't -really- say that).

ok, i -was- slightly drunk, but i just told him i needed to go to bed and got off the phone before i had a nuclear meltdown.

i mean.. i could care less, really. but it is alittle hurtful that someone -really- thought that they could play around with my emotions and expect me to be down for a "friends with benefits" relationship. that's more drama waiting to happen than there would be in a normal bf-gf relationship.

so, i did care about him. a -tiny- bit. that's all i'm willing to admit to. i haven't cried about it, i haven't felt like cutting myself like i used to do whenever something happened. what sucks is that in the beginning, we -were- talking. like about to have a relationship type of deal. then he made the comment that we were just friends and that's when i drew the line. he would always try to get me to do stuff with him, but i'd always remind him of what he said. he'd get mad too. i'm like "well, you shouldn't have said it then".

i think he was just dangling the possibility of a relationship to get what he wanted. really not good for my mental health, you know. oh well.

also not good for my mental health: myspace & facebook. i don't really have a profile on either one, but this chick i went to the christian school with found me. i'd rather not have been found by anyone really. but, i got curious to see who else i could find that i used to go to school with.

a lot of the kids who made fun of me, i found.

the ironic thing is.. they all look great. and they all graduated from college. it's not like how it is on t.v. - the nerdy, loser kid winds up being a gorgeous millionaire while the people who were mean to them grow into ugly trolls who live in the trailer park.

i mean. i finally smartened up and stuck with a hairstyle that fits me, ditched the braces, and lost some weight (i've never been called 'fat' though, strangely enough). i'm pretty now. but that's about all i've got going for me.. besides the most beautiful baby in the whole world. and a good job. i'm not a college graduate though (yet), and i'm not married like the other people with kids are.

sucks. the big "HA HA" i was waiting for won't happen now.

that's depressing.

9:33 p.m. - 3-27-2008

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... tell me how you gonna be without me ...

mood: lost
listening to: "thoia thoing" - r. kelly, "no air" - jordin sparks & chris brown

aries texted me yesterday morning, saying that he hopes i have a good day and all that bs.

he kept bugging me about sex and i was like "no, we're just friends" 'cuz that's what he said.

i finally got mad (again) and told him he should leave me alone until he figures out whatever it is that he really wants.

that was on... sunday maybe? then monday he called 2x but i didn't pick up. i shot him a txt asking him what he wanted. he got alittle huffy with me and was like "whatev, i'll ttyl or something". so i told him he was supposed to be figuring out what it was that he wanted. to which he replied that he def didn't want a girlfriend 'cuz they're too much drama.

so i told him that was fine, and bye. he said we were friends and that he wouldn't bug me about getting any anymore.

i told him it's fine and not to worry about it. he was all "damn pms. bye! i'm gonna go eat with my girls" which, i really wasn't being bitchy. i was just saying...

but i mean, if there's no chance for us, then i don't want to deal with it anymore.

so then yesterday he texted me that text. surprising really. i sent him texts all the time telling him to have a nice day and sent him kisses. he never sent me anything back saying that he appreciated it or that he was thinking of me.

and today, he was on, and i took him off of invisible just to see if he would msg me, but he didn't.

spring break next week. hellz yeah.

we're going to etowah this weekend (drag!!) hopefully, siobhan will come into town also and i can see her at some point for alittle while... lol

8:05 p.m. - 3-19-2008

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... let's see how far we've come ...

mood: blank
listening to: "kiss kiss" - chris brown f/t-pain, "ha" - juvenile

rob kardashian is so cute.

it's really sweet how much he cares about adrienne bailon. although the tattoo was alittle extreme and i would kick my boyfriend in the teeth if he got my name tattooed on any body parts. 'cuz that's just stupid.

i kind of wish i had brothers that were protective of me.

the brother i have now could care less what happens to me, really. sometimes i think he'd prefer that i not be in the picture, just so he could have all the attention that i've "taken" away from him.

he gave me a big hug the last time i saw him... but, it was kind of weird really.

oh well..

9:32 p.m. - 3-16-2008

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... tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air ...

mood: irritated
listening to: "no air" - jordin sparks & chris brown

my girl jordin is from glendale, yo. so was that chippendale's-style stripper that's on the current season of A.I. .

anywho.. i messaged aries an offline message telling him that i'm through. that if he -really- wanted to talk to me, he'd make more of an effort instead of bullshitting around and acting mad when i call him out on it. i just hope it's easier this time.

jennifer bought me this awesome shirt that was on sale. it's empire waist & a bit longer and ties in the back. it's really cool. i love it.

more tomorrow. i'm exhausted.

10:33 p.m. - 3-14-2008

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... in my head a blue fish has just died ...

mood: ??? wonky!

listening to: "with you" - chris brown, "see you again" - miley cyrus

that damn song is too catchy. the miley cyrus one.

chris brown, i just love. i've been listening to that song for 3 days now. haha. it's like "cancion de amor" by don omar, "oye donde esta el amor" by wisin y yandel f/franco devita, "jose" by aventura, "could it be" by trick daddy & twista, and "can u get away?" by tupac and "miss perfect" by spm and "superman" by brown boy.

i could listen to those songs -non-stop-. for realz.

anywho. i wish i could put lotion on my scalp. it itches SO BAD, but i don't have any dandruff.

i have the worst case of dry skin on the planet, i think.

anywho. i kind of feel like making a new layout. then again, i feel really lazy too. i need to work on my website, but the pages i uploaded most recently aren't working for some reason. and the new server i found offers -way- more space and way more bandwidth, but they require text-links back to them (which isn't a problem). and they show up in the middle of all my stuff, which screws up the coding. on top of that, the coding used to put the links is another div layer, and i'm too lazy to go fix every single page just to put the new layer in the right spot.

i don't know. i haven't even opened photoshop up in like 8 years. ugh. i don't know. someday i'll feel like messing with it. i guess it's 'cuz school and the baby are getting to me finally as far as time goes.

speaking of which.. she got her first shots today.. it wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. she screamed bloody murder for like 5 minutes, and then she was good to go. i felt so bad though, and started to cry with her.

and for the first time, i almost, almost wished that i were getting child support payments of some sort. i have bills out the ass to pay and diapers aren't cheap. neither is insurance. there's just so many things that i have to pay for. i'm using more gas to take her to and from the babysitter's, plus the babysitter charges $400 a month.

i also started my diet for the most part today.

i kind of went off-track alittle when i ate the granola bar after breakfast and was planning to eat the fresh carrots & celery sticks from the cafeteria as a way to kind of curb my appetite so i wouldn't eat all of the frozen meal brandi brought for me, but i ate it all. then i ate a few almond m&ms and a piece of gluten-free pizza.

so, i'm working on cutting back to 3 small meals a day. i think i'm doing pretty good so far.

feh. now it's bed time. i'm beyond tired (again). if i'm this tired in the morning, i swear i'm not going to work.

7:45 p.m. - 3-13-2008

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... summer days just sittin' around, but when the sun goes down ...

mood: chipper! (wtf!?)
listening to: "black market" - brotha lynch hung, "la novelita" - aventura

so i read somewhere, that Don Omar is getting married next month to Jackie Guerrida (whoever the hell that is).

i hate to admit that i had developed one of those stupid fan-girl crushes on him. if you listen to his music, and look at him, you'd see why, though.

he's just so original.

oh well, congratulations to him. hopefully he doesn't cheat on her (unless it happens to be with me, then i'm all for it). he's big pimping though, he got 3 kids by different women lolz.

btw, thank you diaryland, for going back to the traditional periwinkle blue color scheme of the old diaryland.

anywho, it's such a pretty day outside! i want to roll around in the sunshine-y goodness until there's no more to roll around in!

had to get that out.

i did take Bennet for a walk today. Bennet is Jennifer's cavalier king charles spaniel. he's really sweet and he -loves- to go on walks. i wanted to take him for a long one, but there's only 1 street that doesn't dead end in the neighborhood to make a loop. kinda sucked. i wanted to be gone for awhile so i could mess with Hector some more.

he swears i'm in love with him. he actually annoys me somewhat, but i talk to him for kicks. he amuses me.

aries texted me last night. i was in such a horrible mood though. he forwarded me some retarded ass picture of i don't know what. i -hate- forwards. i hate those stupid chain-texts and when people text me jokes. so i texted him back and told him that i was -SO- thrilled that i popped into his head for a stupid picture that wasn't even funny (i think it was of some random loser's balls with a pair of sunglasses on 'em). i mean seriously. then he texted something ELSE back that was equally stupid. i told him if he wasn't gonna text me for real or talk to me then to erase my number from his phone and he's all "i do wanna talk to you, damn girl" and i'm like "then fucking talk to me instead of playing around!" i mean seriously though! i've tried kicking his ass to the curb so many times, but it seems like everytime i get fed up enough to forget about him, or have finally started to, he comes back with the same shit. ugh. i've said so many times that i don't want to be back and forth with anyone.

this school business is getting to me. i don't know what to put as my concentration (web developer, systems analyst, database developer, or programmer) plus i'm not making as much milk as i should be, i don't think. by the end of the day at school, i get maybe a total of 5 ounces. today i only got like 3 'cuz i didn't get to pump the last time at 2:15 'cuz i had bus duty.

which worked 'cuz when i got to Wendy's (Parker's babysitter), it was time for her to eat already and Wendy let me stay there to feed her.

i love breastfeeding, though. i like the fact that -we- can do it. and it doesn't hurt. and it never really did. i just hate having to get up at 3 a.m... it's nearly impossible for me to stay awake.

anywho.. i washed my car today. the brushes at the car wash i go to SUCK! they're too soft and don't get all of the dirt off of my car at all.

anywho.. i had another completely different point to this post, and i forgot what it was. damnit.

5:59 p.m. - 3-12-2008

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... pimpin is not 4 u ...

mood: energetic (what?)
listening to: "not 4 u", "keep it real" - do or die

i love when daylight savings time ends. i hate when it gets dark at like 3 p.m. during the winter. i mean seriously, what is that?

anywho, first of all, much love, hugs, and kisses to my best friend, Siobhan. we've been best friends for 11 years now. i'm very lucky to have her (if only her crazy ass would move back to tennessee).

naw, see this morning i was complaining about my sister (again) and her need to control -everything-. she got pissed off at me about the way i was taking care of the baby or something. but anywho, Siobhan was like "girl if she kicks you out, just come here. you can stay with shane & i and mom said she'd watch the baby while you work. seriously if you ever need a place to stay, we're here."

which was really unexpected.

so anywho, back to daylight savings time. more daylight! yaaaaay! or something.

this dude hector.. he's a trip.5. he's always like "you know you're in love with me" and i'm like "you got it twisted fool" and then he's all "no you are!" and then i'm like "pshaw. you wish."

and then brad msged me today. i knew he would eventually. he was all "i saw you on pof" and again i was like "why you talking to me since i'm such a selfish, spoiled bitch?" and he's like "i'm sorry. you just pissed me off. i'm sure i've done the same to you." and i'm like "you started it fool. you're the one that trips everytime i say i just want to be friends." and then he questioned why i had a profile if i didn't want to be with anyone and why i wouldn't give him a chance and i'm like "'cuz you're fucking psycho! i don't want that bullshit around my kid, fool"

i mean seriously. i dealt with my ex talking mad shit to me like nothing. i'm not gonna let some other little punk ass motherfucker do the same thing. forget it.

6:50 p.m. - 3-9-2008

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... she had everything going but her brain ...

mood: delirious
listening to: "girl on lsd" - tom petty, "luxurious" - gwen stefani

"girl on lsd" is such a fun song.

and "luxurious" reminds me of meño when the "cha-chang" part comes on. he'd always imitate that part in a funny way.

anywho... so, i think i'm just gonna put aries on "ignore" and forget about him for good. i liked him too much to be able to deal with just being friends and the fact that he was always being flirty (and getting mad when i said that he said we were just friends, and asking what i'd do if my baby's daddy or meño came back) killed me.

i can't believe tomorrow's friday already. one more week only and then spring break. w00t! i'm not looking forward to being home with my sister all week, though. she's driven me up the damn wall too much already.

like this morning when i forgot to set my alarm clock and she woke me up at 6. she got all pissed off and started yelling at me about how i'm making her late and then yelled at me 'cuz i wasn't able to pump enough milk yesterday at school for Parker. then got mad 'cuz i told her i give up. she's always on my ass about milk and pumping and she was all "you just think you're the master of babies and you're not" and i'm like "just 'cuz your friends have babies doesn't make you one either, but since you know more than i do, then -you- handle everything - you pay the hospital bills and get up with her at 3 a.m. every morning and pay $225 a month for insurance and sleep on a twin bed"

jesus christ. and if i get the -slightest- bit frustrated, she starts yelling at me and saying that i'm not the baby and i have no right to act the way i do or whatever. fucking pisses me off. i'm the mom, not her. i mean, she hasn't the slightest idea of what it's like.

if she ever gets pregnant, i'm giving her absolute -hell-. she was always telling me i need to control my emotions better and wouldn't listen to me when i said i couldn't help it.

anywho. i'm about to fall asleep in my chair - i'm so flipping tired!

4:18 p.m. - 3-6-2008

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... sometimes your words just hypnotize me ...

mood: tired & energetic at the same time
listening to: "love-holic", "under" - koda kumi, "eso ehh (remix)" alexis y fido f/chingo bling

again, my kids drove me up the wall. today though, i drove up the wall, straight through the roof, and up to the sky before crashing on the ground in a small nuclear explosion.

it took me a record 45 minutes to get them to finish the rebus story. they wanted to talk (as usual) and not do the work.

-- break --

aries is on right now. i don't know if i should talk to him or not... i'm really scared to. he hasn't txted me or been on-line since i told him. grrr! this is frustrating. just msged him. he's not into talking to me. i had a feeling that once i told him, this would happen. that's how it always is. i think i told him it would too. can't exactly remember. it hurts alittle, even though i set myself up for it. so i deleted his number, my phone history (so his number wouldn't stay in my phone), and his pictures, but i just can't put him on "ignore" in my messenger. that would be the best thing to do, really. i don't get why if he doesn't want to talk to me at all, he hasn't just put the "invisible" on me or put me in his ignore list... maybe he deleted me? i don't know. i would think that he'd do the other 2 as well..

now i feel like crying. i haven't cried in a long time. i've felt bad enough to, but haven't done it. ha, he just said (after asking) that he still wants to talk to me.. we'll see how that works out.

-- end break --

anywho. my kids wouldn't shut up talking. and in the middle of me screaming "be-quiet-sit-on-your-bottom" 5 million times, my sister yells at me that she's tired of hearing it. it's really un-cool when she does that to me in front of the kids. she yelled at me yesterday for speaking spanish to one of the 5th graders during math help. the karen children were doing something entirely different and jacqueline won't understand anything if you try explaining it to her in english, even though she does know some.

then we had an evacuation drill.

see, last week, some guy shot his wife and killed her. their kids went to an elementary school in the county i work at (different city) and so every school between where the dad shot his wife (at home i guess?) and the school his kids went to (as well as that school, obviously) were all on emergency lockdown for like 2 hours.

so today, we had the drill. our principal called for a code yellow lockdown and had the kindergarden & first grade classes evacuated to the gym. now, i -know- on a code yellow, you're supposed to close & lock the door, & cover the window up so no one can see inside. you can continue teaching class, though.

however, code yellow (i thought) had been specifically called for kinder & 1st grade. it was also time for my newcomers to leave. my sister is the evacuation leader and had left the room to go to the gym or monitor the hall or do whatever it is an evac. leader does.

anywho. so mrs. podesta and i figured that since the 2nd grade classrooms are right next to ours, we could send only them back, which we did. we then called my sister over the radio (which we weren't supposed to do, but didn't know) to ask if we should send the newcomers back. she said "no" and told us to turn our radio off.

shortly after that, all of the 2nd graders came back. except one. flipping jonathon who always asks to go to the bathroom or go get a drink of water.

we told them all to go straight back to the classroom and he didn't listen. he went to the bathroom instead. they all got locked out of their own rooms and came back. mrs. richardson (jonathon's teacher) didn't open her door either, so he came back to esl and knocked on the door. mrs. podesta quickly let him in and booooooooy was i -pissed-.

the kids were quiet for the most part. jose, a 5th grader wouldn't sit on his bottom (as usual), so when the lockdown was over i explained to him that if a bad person got into the classroom with a gun, he would be the first person they saw and he'd be dead in a heartbeat. he just gave me a dirty look like he wanted to argue then went back to class.

and of course, my sister got mad again. i told mrs. podesta i would get the blame for it, either way, and that i would be the one to get yelled at. mrs. podesta spoke to my sister, though. and it was all good. i guess.

i'm just so stressed out. my sister is non-stop on my ass being a control-freak about -everything-. my kids don't wanna listen. i still have baby weight to lose (even though for some reason it says i weigh less than i did before today), between like 3 & 6 lbs depending on what the scale says. i think it's alittle off though, either way. and on top of that, i have a hard time controlling my eating habits.

i don't know why. i -do- like to snack around a lot on stuff, and still eat a "meal". i'm not a big breakfast person though. but i wish i could control my eating.

haha i foresee myself as falling easily into anorexianism if i ever date aries.

why? he always says he doesn't like girls who have yucky fat on them and it's especially gross if it's a girl who's had a baby. or something.

i told him what i went through with my ex and how he was always saying that i was either too skinny and looked sick (from tweaking and stress. i didn't really, i don't think) or that i was getting fat and that i must be pregnant (if i gained any weight back). it was a constant struggle for me. he just said he wanted me to be "healthy" as someone who cares. whatever. i know he likes skinny girls with nice asses and perky boobs. he used to always talk about other girls he knows that are "sooooo hot".

anywho.

so, on-line dating is... interesting. in the fact that i almost -never- feel compelled to actually meet anyone after befriending them on-line. the few times i have met someone, it either killed the friendship we had, or ends before i can really tell what'll happen.

like raj. he was sooo cute. and date-able. he was in school for psychology at vanderbilt (biiig plus! ^_^) and we had alot of fun together. he was really cute too. his birthday was the day after mine. we acted almost exactly alike. i've never met someone that acted just like me before. lol it was weird. we had the same sense of humor and everything.

but okcupid seems to have -zero- people that i'm especially interested in.

except ben. i love my ben. he's the best. he's like my best friend right now. he's into graphic design and whatnot like me.

4:18 p.m. - 3-5-2008

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... you're a show ...

mood: tired, frustrated, alittle freaked out
listening to: "los infieles (remix)" - aventura f/frankie j, "hypnotize" - notorious b.i.g.

i'm so sick of having to constantly yell at my newcomers. never do they want to flipping listen to me. always they wanna argue about something. i'm so tired of saying "sit on your bottoms and be quiet please!" over and over and over and over again. i spend more time trying to keep the little shit heads in line than i do actually teaching them something.

i mean seriously. i love them to death, and they can be loads of fun when they wanna be, but jesus christ they drive me up the wall.

every morning it's the same thing when they come in for the first time.. "miss jamie play computer!" 14 kids scream at me all at once.

then there's all kinds of chit chat while i'm trying to get their dry erase & clip boards handed out, and as i'm handing them out there's no less than 2 arguments about whether someone gets a clip board or not ('cuz all the kids want one). then when i put them in small groups to read the rebus story together, they try to switch people sometimes or one person won't get with their group and participate.

5 minutes later i hear 14 kids screaming at me "miss jamie finished!!" which they're really not 'cuz there's a good chunk that can't read english well another chunk that's just lazy and would rather talk.

so when i hand out corresponding worksheets, things calm down just a -tiny- bit. until they all ask at once if their paper is right or not.

after -that- is done, they try handing everything back to me at once, even though they -know- they're supposed to keep their papers.

then when i go pick up 2nd & 3rd grade for their afternoon group with Vicki & I, they're even worse. yelling, talking, playing around, touching stuff, not listening. i tell them about 60 times more to sit on their bottoms then than i do in the morning. Vicki's like "gosh you're so uptight! relax!" and i'm like "relaxing is why they're so bad in here. duh stupid. they don't listen to you either"

after -that-, at 1:45, Elizabeth and I split up the grades and alternate every week between 2nd & 3rd, and 4th & 5th. this week i'm supposed to have 2nd & 3rd, but Elizabeth is out sick all week, so i've been taking all of them.

they want to argue about what dvd we watch. "NO TINGO!" (Sesame English), or "No no leapfrog!". if i suggest sign language, the younger kids yell 'no' at me. oh and they argue about the computer some more.

specifically, it's the 2nd & 3rd graders that are bad. Emillion. jesus lordy. constantly talking or getting into stuff and if you tell him no or make him do something when he doesn't wanna do it, he gets pissed off. he used to hit a couple of the girls, too, and do other mean things. gay soe (his friend. they're in the same class) likes to talk to him and not pay attention. Jonathon (a mexican boy in 2nd grade) makes fun of the other kids, like if they don't get a problem right. "sit down, you don't know!"

ugh. anywho...

8:00 p.m. - 3-4-2008

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... ELDA! ...

mood: heh.
listening to: "shake it" - koda kumi, "live and let die" - guns 'n roses

so we started ELDA testing today. i'm taking over mrs. podesta's schedule from 8:30 till 1:15 - which isn't much 'cuz she has translation form 8:40 - 10 a.m. (which means i have to find stuff to do during that time). Actually. My new schedule is:

-7:30 - 8:30: Newcomers (14 kids)
-8:30 - 9:00: ??? have no idea.
-9:00 - 9:30: Produce Leche
-9:30 - ???: Vicki's Room (Proctor)
-11:00 - 11:30: 5th grade math (i suck with math help so far)
-11:30 - 12:00: produce more leche
-12:00 - 12:30: almuerzo/lonche (i've heard both)
-12:30 - 1:00: yo no se. mrs. podesta does translation again
-1:00 - 1:15: no se otra vez.
-1:15 - 1:45: newcomers, 2nd & 3rd grades with Vicki
-1:45 - 2:10: newcomers, alternating groups (this week i have all of them 'cuz Elizabeth, the other teacher, is out. normally we switch out groups)

more in a min!

7:15 p.m. - 3-3-2008

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.... you give love a bad name ....

mood: quiet
listening to: "miss perfect" - spm, "could it be?" - trick daddy, twista

i know it wasn't him, but it sure as hell looked like it.

he had the same white baseball-type hat on backwards (dunno it said on the side the bill was on), the same caramel-y skin tone, same chubby-ish face, same dark brown chino-shaped eyes, same black hair - although i dunno if it was short or long 'cuz of the hat - and the same town he lived in before he left (which is also where i work).

the only difference is.. he sat in a dark red mustang with (decent) rims. gerardo drove a black tahoe with some rims that i really couldn't stand looking at.

i wonder if we somehow saw eachother somewhere - like the grocery store - what he would do. or what -i- would do. i mean, would he like... talk to me? and would i talk back? and if i did, would my hand decorate his cheek with a nice red handprint? probably not. i'm through fighting and arguing with people.

sometimes i wish i'd have just stayed in my apartment. to see if he'd ever come back to check on me.

oh well.

which brings me to my next thought: why do i have such a bad track record?

my first -real- relationship.. kind of ever, i dated my brother's best friend (huge mistake. my brother had a jolly good time snitching on me even though i was already 19. my brother's 10 years older than me and his best friend was i think 26 or 27 at the time). he went to rehab in wisconsin - some ranch deal where they weren't able to contact family by phone for 2 weeks and no visitation for 6 months. it was court ordered. plus he lost his left arm in a car accident a long time ago. we broke up 'cuz i was too busy dealing with myself to be in a long-distance relationship. plus, i felt weird dating my brother's amigo mejor (even though i'd always had a small crush on him). anywho.. in summer of 2006 (i guess july-ish?), he killed himself. way after we broke up, but it was still weird hearing that. his mom had died of cancer just after i moved to phoenix and he moved in with some girl who later broke up with him. she was the reason he did it. they say he did it by sitting in his car with the garage door closed & the engine running.

around that time, there was also anthony, who always begged me to stop drinking (that was the 1st time i had a small drinking problem). he lived in san diego and i cared alot about him, but he was always too busy. and it was hard being 2000 miles away, so when i got accepted to collins college in phoenix, we were so excited. i stayed with him one weekend and he said he wanted to marry me and have a family one day. i said "yes", but told him it was mandatory that he buy me a ring. alittle after that i got extremely drunk one friday night when this chick and i ventured down to mill ave. he got hella mad, but i was blacked out drunk and told him i hated him. we managed to smooth things over, but just for no reason, i never heard from him again. we were together for alittle over a year, too...

then there was meño.

i could write a book about the 3 months we were physically together and the months i was at his step-mom's house while he was in jail. actually, i could write a pretty lengthy novel about my year in phoenix, but yeah.

sometimes i wanna say that meño was the devil. other times i wanna say that everything that happened was my fault simply because i allowed it all to happen in the first place. that i should've been alittle bit stronger instead of going along with him and getting hooked on g like he already was. or, that i should've been more patient with him or stood up to him in a different way instead of having one nervous breakdown after another.

there are so many things that happened between us. a couple of things i honestly can't remember no matter how hard i try. like the time we were play fighting one night. the next morning i had a massive hand-print bruise on my arm and another on my fore-arm that was swollen. i don't remember him grabbing my arm at all, though, or anything else that happened that night. and his little sister said her mom saw him grab me by the face in her kitchen one day. i don't remember that either. it scares me a lot 'cuz it makes me think that there could be other things that happened that i don't know about.

then there are random times when i remember some things, then forget about them and remember others. like the night he spit on my face after he said i was pregnant with a dead n*gger baby. i said something, and he just got even more mad, slapped me and spit on my face again. or the time i drove him way out to northwest phoenix (i think it was peoria or like sun city or something) to meet his baby girl for the first time. and let him use my camera and he came back with a picture of the 2 of them together without the baby. it kind of hurt. and after that, he kept her picture with him always, but it was getting so messed up. so i took it to wal-mart and tania (lil sis) and i had it blown up, stuck it in a frame and developed the rest of the pictures i had. i was so excited to give him the picture. i thought he'd appreciate it and see that i really did care about him and was ok with the fact that he had a kid... instead, he just got extremely mad and told me that his baby was none of my business and i had no right to do that. he kept the picture though...

and then he cheated on me with his best friend's mom and said he wanted nothing more to do with me after he got locked up... until i somehow managed to get a job and was able to send him money in jail. then he loved me again and even said he wanted me to be his fiancee. i was alittle hesitant at first. i was afraid of going back to the same thing. his sister pressured me into it. but when i said 'ok'.. i was really happy.

then i quit my job. and he quit me (again).

then gerardo.

other than those main guys, there are the slew of others with whom i started to get close. they all just changed their minds or decided that i'm gross after all (i guess) and stopped talking to me altogether. no saying good-bye, no reason for dropping me like a bad habit, nada.

in some ways, i don't blame them. it would be hard for me to be with someone knowing that they were sick.

ay. i'm gonna make another post right now that's more.. happy. ^_^

5:05 p.m. - 3-3-2008

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..........

mood: chatty!
listening to: "did u" - amuro namie, "jose" - aventura

so i'm reading la sad eyez diary.

she and i seem to be going through kind of the same things... except gerardo is completely gone - there's no finding him, no calling him on the phone, nothing. no money is going to appear in my bank account every month to help with Parker. i'm also not in school (yet) nor do i go to yoga or anything else like that.

i just don't have the means to do anything "extracurricular" right now. sure, my sister watches the baby while i go run little errands around town, but i've never been gone for more than an hour and it doesn't happen -that- often. i'd just rather not rely on her too much for that stuff. i'd -really- prefer not having to depend on her at all.

but, i guess he really doesn't want us, but then again, i can't help but wonder if him leaving was a necessity. i'm sure it was seeing as he claimed to be illegal and was already in a bunch of trouble with the police. he -said- he was going back to mexico, but did he really? i'm sure i've said it before.

'cuz he changed his number and all.

i remember when i first found out. he had said several times that he wouldn't mind having kids with me - even though i told him there was absolutely no reason to consider that right then - we'd just barely started dating!

and then when it happened, i coudln't help getting excited. i honestly didn't think i could get pregnant. i never did in phoenix when i was with my ex and we slept together every night without any form of birth control. then again, i was so tweaked & stressed out pretty much all the time.. i guess that was the main reason.

so, i wasn't avoiding getting pregnant, really.. but i wasn't actively trying either. it was just one of those "if it happens, great...ish. if not, that's fine too" things. not that i was sleeping around or anything. 'cuz i wasn't. gerardo was a complete accident that i was hoping would end sooner than it did - before i could get attached.

but then stupid amanda insisted she meet him one night when we were drinking together and i wound up staying the night at his place.

actually, i think i got pregnant that night. haha.

i wasn't planning to stay the night, but i was so drunk and it was late and we smoked a doobie (i've quit since then and that was the only time i'd smoked since arizona) and somehow had sex in my car. i vaguely remember that.

so, i was kind of hoping maybe it'd just be a one-night stand and i wouldn't hear from him again seeing as i have my hpv problem. i totally would've told him before things went that far had amanda not insisted we kick it with him that night.

we weren't planning to hang out until that saturday, when we went to the zoo.

but anywho, he wound up calling me back that morning (after i'd stayed the night). thankfully pat (another aid) and i were at the printing/shipping place in smyrna doing some school stuff for my sister when he called so i was able to answer.

and things kind of picked up from there. we spent all of our free time together, he came to my apartment after he got off of work every night, weekends were spent with his family.

his family was really nice, although none of them spoke english except for his cousins Suri, Felix, and Jose (i think that was his name. they called him Pepe tho). I really liked Noelli (don't know how to spell it), Jose's wife. She was really sweet.

Suri said Felix's girlfriend June (also white) was really immature and didn't talk much to them, unlike me.

it gave me a headache alittle, though, being around them all. he's got sooo many relatives that all live close to each other, i don't know who's who exactly. and hearing so much spanish from so many people all day really wore me out. i didn't mind it so much, but they'd speak to me as though i were a fluent spanish-speaker (which i'm not) and gerardo would never translate for me unless i asked him to.

anywho. i think maybe a big problem for him was my drinking habit. i got drunk every night. i could never have just 1 or 2 drinks. i quit as soon as i found out i was pregnant though.

at first he was happy about it. until i got uncontrollably mad at him for going to his brother's instead of coming home one night. then he decided he didn't want her. he said he wasn't ready to be a dad (even though he already had Leslie - his 4 year old that i never met).

i think what bothers me the most is that he left without explaining anything or saying goodbye. and now i'm confused. i wish i could know if he thinks about us or wonders what she looks like.

ay. this is similar to my feelings about what happened in arizona. how i wish i knew if my ex really meant to do the things he did to me and didn't care at all that he did them, or if it was just the drugs and he honestly didn't mean it and he did care about me as a person. and if he -didn't- care about me.. why did he stay with me even after i lost everything? he could've told me to leave.

i don't know. it makes my head and heart hurt thinking about all that stuff.

2:44 p.m. - 3-2-2008

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... i'm a spoiled bitch XD ...

mood: surprised
listening to: "player hater" - notorious b.i.g., "with you" - chris brown

so. wtf? diaryland is dark and scary-ish.

this will take a long time to get used to i think. i personally like navigation better on the right side of the screen versus the left.

anywho. i got pretty drunk friday night (against my better judgement), and i called aries. the conversation started out ok but then somehow the fact that i have hpv worked its way into my mouth.

actually jennifer had brought it up earlier that night and that's what made me say it.

so i freaked out and i got upset in the process of trying to tell him what was up. he was like "are you falling in love with me?" and i'm like "FUCK no. you wish that was it, tho, huh?"

and then he's all "If you really care about me then you'll tell me". pretty ironic.

so somehow i spit it out. he's all "what's hpv?" but i couldn't explain that part to him. he said he'd just look it up on-line.

so i guess i made the wrong decision ~~in telling him~~. i made the wrong decision in getting drunk and calling him, better.

he hasn't texted or called me since then. probably i freaked him out really bad.

that's him. he's pretty.

oh well. i guess this would've happened sooner or later anyway. just goes to show you that seriously for really, no one - absolutely no one - can be trusted.

on another note... my baby now loves to look at her mobile with the jungle animals on it ^_^

isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life?

i know it is. lolz

i mean, seriously.. if she had been born ugly, i easily would have been able to admit it.

i was actually alittle afraid she was going to be ugly. the doctor did another ultra sound and when i finally was able to focus in on her face correctly, i thought "omg she's gonna have a chunky face and be ugly and squishy looking" and then they handed her to me and i was like "OMG She's not ugly!"

er... anywho.

omg. ajkdhkjsdh!!!

i'm over this retard for real.

on my IM status message, i had "you rock my life! XD" from when that french girl won Best Actress at the Oscars. she told the producer or someone of the film that they rocked her life and it was extremely funny. so i put that as my status message.

dude msgs me and asks me who rocks my life. i'm like "why you talking to me?" and he's all "fine bye". so i calmly explained to him that he was the one who said they were through with me and said that i'm more worried about some guy who doesn't want my baby or me and that i'm worse than their baby's mama.

to which he got pissed off and called me a selfish, spoiled little bitch and said that he needed a real woman.

i'm like "yeah, good luck with that".

maybe that hurt my feelings just the tiniest bit.. nah. not really. i've dealt with much worse than that, believe you me.

12:20 p.m. - 2-3-2008

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...........

mood: ....
listening to: "With You" - Chris Brown, "Eternally" - Utada Hikaru

people don't realize how serious i am when i say i'm done.

i'm really tired of constantly saying it over & over again.

after thinking (for some reason), that things would change and he would bother to make more of an effort with me, aries went back to basically ignoring me again.

i only let it ride out 2 days this time though before saying something.

it started out as a joke when i said "damn can't text nobody back ever" (i had sent him 2 text msgs on tues. and wed. mornings telling him to have a good day at work and 2 or 3 more on different nights telling him good night). to which he replied "damn woman" implying that i needed to get off his ass about it, even though i know he said it jokingly.

so i told him if he really wanted me to shut up about it then i would, no problem, and that i would just go ahead and leave him alone all together since he has such a hard time keeping in touch with me anyway.

i mean seriously. ok, i know he has to be up at like 4 a.m. to go to work and i know he works like 60 hours a week.

i also know that i worked alittle over 60 hours a week between 2 jobs (he only has 1) while i was pregnant and still made time to talk to or text him.

so i can't help but be alittle bitter about this. if i can make time for other people considering most of my time is consumed by work and my baby, then i think they could have the courtesy to do the same for me.

so today he msged me on-line, but i wasn't at the pc. i really would rather just forget about him instead of waiting around for him to figure out whether he just wants to be friends or more than.

it's always harder for me to actually go thru with telling someone i'm done with them than it is for me to just stop talking to them altogether. it hurts when i say "i'm done".

grrr! i'm so frustrated.

8:25 p.m. - 2-28-2008

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... drama-riffic! ...

mood: amused, delirious, slightly hurt-ish
listening to: "Illuminati" - Malice Mizer, "I'm Loading Up My Gun" - 'Lil Cuete

so people -still- continue to bring their flipping drama around me. don't they know i ain't got time or energy to play around like that anymore?

serio.

aries popped on-line the other day and is all "hey baby mwah" and being flirty. he also said i should call him over the weekend, to which i said that i'm not going to do that 'cuz he's told me 5 bazillion times over the last 3 months that he would call or text me (he said he'd text me regularly) and it never happened except -maybe- once.

he also said he missed me, and asked me if i missed him too, but i told him "can't miss what you never had".

and then he kept sendin